Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))