Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
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Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators