Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

rise and shine we got egg

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.