Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Sniffing the broccoli

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

No way!

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.