Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.