Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
he’s doing your taxes
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates