Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out