Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

They also CAN sing✌️

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

lmao

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

the answer was staring at me all along

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.