Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Always
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “