Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Finally!
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
When you can’t find your friend Neil
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*