Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People