Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
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Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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A double negative is a big no-no.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.