Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire