Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
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The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
fr
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights