Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
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I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’