Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco