Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
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[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass