Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
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Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.