Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
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If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.