Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
oh she’s cooked
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
