Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
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On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.