Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
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Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?