@AimeeHelene1

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

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@duumb

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

@Jake_Vig

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kzam92″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3330737389/c7a4a78607de111ed90aad11a160d780_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”280225987420106753″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:61:”All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@DomesticGoddss

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

@generaldietz

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

@aldenskii

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

@ceejoyner

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

@SmithWit

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.