Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
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Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.