Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
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Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
When nobody volunteers to present and the teacher says they’re going to start picking at random
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Help with the chores. #WhatCatsDoWhileWeSleep
How much can this one swallow?
sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.