Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows