Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Worth the read.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.