Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
This is so wrong 😂
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Check your privilege
