Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
They’re the worst 😩
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
