Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
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People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
No, YOUR illiterate.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.