Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
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[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Something Saturday.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.