Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.