today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting