today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.