today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
You Might Also Like
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
so i’m at the stock market right
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Cheers Twitter.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol