today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Omg 🤣
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Managing expectations
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.