Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
