Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Never ghost your hitman.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
There are no pants in heaven.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
