Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.