Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

moms in horror movies

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted