Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.