Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
