I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
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My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[arrives safely and not murdered]
This is bullshit.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Stranger:So,you’re a parent?
Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs
S:cool, I’m sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat