@mchooyah

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

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@Cpin42

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

@HatfieldAnne

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

@Browtweaten

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

@T_Bonezzz_

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

@Shen_the_Bird

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

@hiitsmolly

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

@petemandik

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

@westofsunday

Stranger:So,you’re a parent?

Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs

S:cool, I’m sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat

Me:…. Nope