Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
You Might Also Like
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”