Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
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Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Stop.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
🍞🦆
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it