Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
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Limited budget
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.