Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
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Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]