Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

these two trucks have the same bed length

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

“you recording!?”

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”