Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
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“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
the dark web is just a goth google.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.