Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.