Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
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How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
tis the season
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
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If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco