Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

Put my back out twerking in the library again