Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
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look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Ummm 😳
Home #decor warning.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”