Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
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7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
mentally somewhere in italy
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Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.