Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
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[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
It’s his time
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Every work call, he judges.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.