Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
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The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine