Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
You Might Also Like
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
oh my god
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
