Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.