Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”