Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
You Might Also Like
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
wtf is an acronym
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”