Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.