Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.