Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

After 35, your body ages in dog years

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.