Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.