Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

channeling her this year

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

this isn’t threatening at all

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

🤯🤯🤯

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.