Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
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we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run