Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

I’d hang this in my house.

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.