@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

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@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

@shkeeber

I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you.

Do you have any cookies?

@ieatanddrink

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

@squirrel74wkgn

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

@birbigs

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

@Karissajem

Listen up, bagel man. We’ve got a good thing going here so let’s not mess it up by you asking if I want the fat free cream cheese instead.

@SondraDeeMe

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

@GrantTanaka

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

@Marlebean

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

@TitansHomer

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.