Murderer: [points a gun at me]
Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
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I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Life is not a FAIRY TALE.
If you lose your shoes 👟👞
YOU ARE DRUNK
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?
*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*