@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

You Might Also Like

@AbbieEvansXO

Murderer: [points a gun at me]

Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome

@IamEnidColeslaw

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

@chuuew

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

@eugene_bosco

Life is not a FAIRY TALE.
If you lose your shoes 👟👞
at midnight,
YOU ARE DRUNK

@drewtoothpaste

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

@kristikat7

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

@PortRooster

Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?

Me: Blurple.

*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”

@Halbeerz

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

@murrman5

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*