Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
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I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Whisper out to librarians!
Blew out my flip flop…
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.