Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
You Might Also Like
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!