Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
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DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you