Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I believe the plural is “milves.”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Good point.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
