Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option