Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.