Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.