MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
people: u should smile
me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks
HIPPO: I’m really heavy
ZIPPO: I’m a little lighter
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?