Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

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Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television


I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like “oh wow maybe marriage is cool” and then the lady said “STOP BREATHING ON ME”


“Is that a banana in your pocket or you just happy to see me?”

*Pulls out smart car


7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014


The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me


Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.


Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.


If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.


If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.


You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.