@Brampersandon_

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

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@UberFacts

A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber’s “Baby” between classes and students had to pay to stop it – They earned $1,000 in 3 days.

@NicCageMatch

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

@BoogTweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

@withanewname

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

@p01arst0rm

AAA publishers: “CUSTOMERS WANT HUGE $60 EXPERIENCE WITH EPIC OPEN WORLDS AND CUTTING EDGE GRAPHICS”

gamers: “haha honk honk im an angry goose”

@Mr_Kapowski

Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40″ monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view

@veronaway2

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

@mamatomy3

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.